Some studies change the world. Then some studies ruin your day.
In a study nobody asked for, but we’re all guilty of, a new piece of research out of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center has discovered a link between smartphones on the toilet and hemorrhoids. Yes, medical science finally caught up to what grandma scolded you about: stop camping out in there.
Published September 3 in PLOS One, the study surveyed 125 colonoscopy patients. The headline result?
Phones are giving people a pain in the rear, quite literally.
Scrolling on the Throne
Two-thirds of patients admitted to taking their phone along when doing—as my close friends call it—The Sit-Thing.
They weren’t simply texting, either. Over half read the news, while nearly half confessed to falling down the social media rabbit hole. It seems that in America, our bathrooms have become our libraries.
And, boy, do those phones keep ’em parked! Over two-thirds of smartphone users stayed longer “per trip.” Among non-phone users, just 7% lingered that long.
In other words, some treat the bathroom like a NASCAR pit stop, while the rest turn the sit-thing into a binge-scrolling retreat.
Don’t Blame Straining, Blame Streaming
In surprising news, straining wasn’t the culprit: It was simply time; the longer you sat, the more the pressure built up. After researchers adjusted for age, diet, exercise, and other factors, smartphone pilots still carried a 46% higher risk of hemorrhoids.
Forget “Netflix and chill;” the phrase the kids aren’t using, yet, will be “Twitter and swell.”
Science Meets Common Sense
To be fair, researchers aren’t requesting for the White House to add a warning to the back of a smartphone, saying smartphones are an outright cause of hemorrhoids.
Perhaps people who already have hemorrhoids sit longer, as they may just enjoy the solitude their screens provide. But the correlation is strong enough that even Spock would raise an eyebrow, nod, and say, “Interesting.” Prolonged sitting on a ceramic seat, doing the sit-thing, isn’t how nature intended things to work.
Imagine if the Romans had WiFi, but no other technologically advanced tools (we’re using our imaginations, right?), their empire would’ve crumpled up like used toilet paper and washed down the aqueduct. No empire, Roman or otherwise, survives its citizens camping on the latrine scrolling through hours of cat memes.
The Fix is Obvious
The solution is insultingly simple: Keep it under five minutes. Handle your business, wash your hands, and move on. Save the political deep dives for the couch.
Another possible solution, albeit a little more expensive, is to create a Faraday Cage in the walls around your throne, keeping the sparky parts away from the shower.
Either method results in a thank-you card from your body.
Researchers also discovered another trend: Bathroom scrollers were less likely to exercise, which isn’t surprising. It makes sense that if you treat every pit stop like a strategy session, jogging wouldn’t be very high on your to-do list.
Final Thoughts
I have to admit that after reading this study, I realized something funny. We live in an era where the CPU in our phone exceeds NASA’s computing power in the 1960s. Distraction lives in our pockets (sigh, that didn’t come out right), and the bathroom was the last vestige of a bygone age, and now, that bygone age is now by and gone.
Like grandma used to lecture us, the toilet seat isn’t a reading chair. Limit your scrolling, spare your behind, and rediscover the radical, and oftentimes righteous, concept of going to the bathroom, performing the sit-thing, only, and then leaving.
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