Jim Hellwig was once one of the most famous men on the planet, but I’m guessing that less than 5% of readers recognize his name. A large man with enormous muscles and long flowing locks, after flopping as a body builder, he tried his hand(s) at professional wrestling.
His first few gimmicks (Jim Justice and Blade Runner Rick) didn’t set the world on fire, but he caught the eye of WWF (today the WWE) owner Vince McMahon when he wrestled in a Dallas promotion under the name “The Dingo Warrior.”
(Weirdly, he wasn’t billed as Australian; he was “The Dingo Warrior”… from Queens, New York.)
Rechristened “The Ultimate Warrior,” (now from “parts unknown”), Hellwig was tapped to be the next Hulk Hogan — the larger-than-life cartoon character who won all his matches and sold astronomical amounts of merchandise to little kids (and immature adults).
On April 1, 1990, The Ultimate Warrior defeated Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania, winning the WWE world title. More than 67,000 fans were in attendance.
For a few months, all was well in the world. The Ultimate Warrior was the most popular wrestler in the industry, and his future was as bright as the paint on his face.
And then… it all unraveled.
Hellwig’s matches were God-awful. He demanded more money. His attitude sucked. He was rude to kids. He failed a steroid test. Eventually, he was fired.
Then things got REALLY strange.
To protect his “intellectual property,” he legally changed his name to Warrior. He tried selling Warrior-themed comic books, including one where he did naughty things to Santa Claus. And very briefly, he toured colleges as a conservative pundit. (His most enduring quote was, “Queering don’t make the world work.”)
The WWF/WWE blasted Hellwig to smithereens in a 2005 documentary film dubbed The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. It was an astonishingly mean-spirited hit piece — a cautionary tale about a man who was given the keys to the kingdom on a silver platter — but because of ego, arrogance, and horrible decision-making, he lost everything.
Interestingly, before he was fired in 1992, The Ultimate Warrior’s final match was a win against a wrestler named Kamala (a.k.a. The Ugandan Giant)… who’s real last name was Harris.
And this brings us to Kamala Harris, ex-vice president of the United States of America. Her sights are set on the White House, and nothing less is acceptable.
Being the next governor of California? Puh-leaze! If she wanted the job, she had a wide open path to Sacramento. Nobody in California could’ve stopped her. But she swiped left: Being the governor of the largest state in the country is beneath her.
For Kamala Harris, it’s the presidency or nothing at all.
So she launched a tell-all book, hoping to stoke the flames of grassroots excitement. Everything was meticulously planned in advance: She’d leak the excerpts ten-ish days ahead of time, get people talking, and then hit the media rounds — touring the country, shaking hands, kissing babies, and cementing herself as the de facto frontrunner for the Democratic presidential nomination.
But in all my life, I’ve never seen a candidate with worse timing!
It wasn’t her fault, but Kamala Harris is just naturally snake-bit: On the same day she leaked her juiciest excerpts to The Atlantic, Charlie Kirk was murdered in Utah.
And almost immediately, her “meticulously planned” comeback was completely forgotten.
She began Sept. 10 on page one, fully expecting to dominate the run-up to her Sept. 23 book launch. Everything was strategically in place! But after the tragic, unspeakable death of Charlie Kirk, she went from the lead story to the back of the bus.
For the next ten days, nobody cared what she had to say about last year’s election. Everyone was thinking about Charlie.
Which was a really big marketing problem, because there wasn’t a preexisting demand for a Kamala Harris tell-all. No one was whispering to their buddy at the neighborhood bar, “I’m dying to know what Kamala thinks about X, Y, and Z. Can’t wait to hear her side of the story!”
Instead, she needed those extra days to drum up interest.
Her first leak was about Joe Biden’s brain turning to mush. (Short version: She knew Biden’s age was an issue, but thought it would come across as disloyal and self-serving if the VP were to ask the president to leave.)
And that’s fine. The cover-up of Biden’s mental decline was a huge scandal that needed to be addressed, and her answered kinda/sorta toed the line between being a good, loyal liberal and/or Democratic team player, while also being (ahem) minimally observant.
It was EXACTLY the type of meandering, noncommittal blathering we’ve all come to expect from her.
But what came next is simply astonishing. For reasons as utterly unfathomable as Kristi Noem self-revealing her childhood history of dog-shooting, Kamala Harris has, well… self-destructed.
She’s the modern-day Ultimate Warrior.
I don’t get it. None of it was necessary. And it couldn’t have been a reaction to her recent media blackout — a desperate, ad hoc attempt to recapture attention after her promotional runway was taken away — because the contents of her book were put to bed months ago.
So all this was preplanned and pre-approved!
‘Cause either way, she did it. The cruel, bigoted, cold-hearted way she described her process of choosing a running mate (which led, of course, to the inspiring choice of Mr. Charisma, Tim Walz) was a self-inflicted wound that’ll bleed her dry.
Her name ID will keep her afloat for a while, but longterm, she’s finished.
Remember, she was trying to appeal to liberals. If you wanna win the 2028 Democratic nomination for president, they’re the ONLY demographic that matters right now. And for someone such as Kamala Harris — who already had national name recognition and personal relationships with most of the top DNC donors — all she needed to do was capture the grassroots.
If she had ‘em, it would be game, set, and match.
Now, they’re gone forever. Because for reasons that could only make sense to a brain that just fell out of a coconut tree, she decided to tell American liberals that Pete Buttigieg was the best, most qualified person for the vice presidency, but she didn’t choose him… because he’s gay.
[Pete Buttigieg] would have been an ideal partner – if I were a straight white man. But we were already asking a lot of America: to accept a woman, a Black woman, a Black woman married to a Jewish man. Part of me wanted to say, Screw it, let’s just do it. But knowing what was at stake, it was too big of a risk.
“And I think Pete also knew that – to our mutual sadness. [emphasis added]
Yeah. Just the kind of bold, generational leadership American liberals were looking for.
And oh, by the way, Pete Buttigieg DID NOT know that. Like everyone else, he found out about it when Kamala put it in her book:
Buttigieg responded to the confession Thursday ahead of a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Monroe County’s Democratic Party headquarters in Bloomington, Indiana. He said concerns over his sexual orientation were “not something that we ever talked about,” per Politico.
“My experience in politics has been that the way that you earn trust with voters is based mostly on what they think you’re going to do for their lives, not on categories,” continued Buttigieg, who said he was “surprised” to read that particular passage. [emphasis added]
Good manners would dictate that you’d reach out and give your colleagues the courtesy of a heads-up. Not doing so makes you look like an ass.
Plus, I’m sure it made Tim Walz feel like a million bucks. Say what you want about the Minnesota governor, but he was an exceptionally loyal running mate — and remains so to this day. Still hasn’t said a mean word about Kamala to anyone.
Yet Kamala not only threw him under the bus, she did so with gusto:
Kamala Harris watched mortified as her running mate, Tim Walz, fell into JD Vance’s trap in last year’s vice-presidential debate and “fumbled” a crucial answer, she writes in a campaign memoir.
[…]
Harris adds wryly: “The following weekend, Saturday Night Live did a sketch in which actors posed as Doug and me, sitting on our couch, watching the debate. While I did not in fact spit out wine, it was otherwise uncanny in its portrait of our evening.”
The whole debacle also creates a helluva moral conundrum for Democratic DEI advocates: The only reason Biden selected Kamala Harris was because Ol’ Joe promised to select a female running mate. But in her own words, if Kamala Harris had been a regular ol’ white guy instead of a (awed hush) “history-making trailblazer!,” the Democrats would’ve made history by selecting Buttigieg.
So basically, the DEI pick in one election cost ‘em a DEI pick in the next one! (I’m not sure how that math is supposed to work out. Guess we’ll have to go to the green bead on the abacus, or something.)
Such a “profile in courage,” eh?
Nearly two months to the day that Hulk Hogan died, we just witnessed the spectacular self-destruction of Kamala Harris.
But unlike Kamala’s presidential chances, Hulkamania still lives on… brother.
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